Imagine that you're watching the end of one of those old romantic movies.
It's the story of a man and a woman who are destined to be together...
only they're divided by circumstances beyond their control.
We're now at the part where the leading lady has decided to marry the wrong guy.
He's nice, but he's wrong for her and everyone knows it...
everyone except for the groom himself.
It's kind of tragic when you think about it...
spending the rest of your life with someone you're not in love with.
Please be seated.
Good afternoon.
We are gathered here today to bring these two people together...
in holy matrimony...
Just as you think she's about to make...
the biggest mistake of her life...
...these two people being married...
please speak now or forever hold your peace.
Caroline!
...the leading man barges through the doors.
Bradley.
I got on a plane and I flew all the way back to Malta.
But then I realized something.
But did you ever wonder about the guy left at the altar? The wrong guy?
My grandmother had a word for those kind of guys: "nice guys. "
Old-fashioned guys. The kind of guys who wear sock garters.
Guys who get hay fever and like raking leaves.
The kind of guy you settle for because you can't be with the one you love.
She called them Baxters. Well, I'm a Baxter.
And this is my story.
It all started a year and a half ago on Monday...
my favorite day of the week.
That's when I met Caroline Swann.
And she was no ugly duckling, I might add.
- Please have a seat. - Thank you.
So, Miss Swann...
you know your father was my very first client.
He has an eye for talent.
So you work for Manhattan Style magazine?
It's true, although sometimes it feels like they work for me.
I don't doubt that at all.
Actually, I was just appointed editor in chief.
Really?
You creative types are so impressive to me.
- Thank you. - Un momento.
That's Cecil Mills, my temporary secretary.
I guess the story really started earlier that morning, when I met her.
I was in my office chatting...
with my colleague and fellow Baxter, Wendall Wimms.
Two tickets to the Brooklyn String Quartet, Ell.
I don't know, Wendall. Thanks for offering though.
Suit yourself, Ell.
- I'm just trying to help. - I know.
Yes?
Hi, I'm the temp.
Hi. I'm Elliot.
Hi. Cecil.
This is my colleague, Wendall Wimms.
- Hello. - Hi.
Please come in.
I'm so sorry I'm late. But I'm new to the city. I'm just learning the trains...
plus the rain.
- Please don't fire me. - No, not at all.
- Take off your coat. Get warm. - Okay.
Wendall...
Where are you from?
I'm from Fergus Falls, Minnesota. Have you heard of it?
It's in Otter Tail County?
It's the large kitchen parts capital of the world.
Really?
I'm the first person in my family ever to go east of the Mississippi.
- I only just got here two weeks ago. - I have an aunt who was married in Mankato.
I'm going to go into my office.
- It was very nice to meet you, Cecil. - Likewise.
I will see you later, Elliot.
Thank you for coming on such short notice. My full time secretary Betty has the flu.
No, I should be the one thanking you. You don't know how badly I needed this job.
Excuse me.
- Thank you. - Here.
Think I've caught a bit of a cold.
Anyway...
- it's a pleasure to meet you. - The pleasure's all mine.
- Here, I'll show you to your office. - Let me just...
This is your desk.
Just let me know if you need anything.
I hope you don't mind if I just take a moment here to personalize my work space.
If you don't mind me asking, what's the dictionary for?
You won't believe this but it's actually what I'm reading at the moment.
- I know- - Wait!
Before you say anything else I need you to know, that I am also reading the dictionary.
- Really? - Yes.
- What letter are you up to? - Right now I'm working my way through "G."
"G." "G" is a classic.
You know, I particularly liked the word "gromwell. "
A type of plant bearing yellowish flowers...
- and white stony nutlets. - And white stony nutlets.
I love that word.
Actually, I've been looking for a real gromwell all over the city...
but I can't seem to find one. So far it's just a lot of concrete.
- Though I haven't yet been to Chinatown. - So, we both read the dictionary.
It's a truly bizarre coincidence.
- Providential. - Fortuitous!
Happenstancial.
- Felicitous. - Another big word.
Miss Mills, I realize we only just met...
but, after work, if you're not busy...
- would you like- - Excuse me...
- are you Elliot Sherman? - Yes.
- How can I help you? - Would I like to what, Mr. Sherman?
- You were going to ask me a question. - I was?
I'm Caroline Swann, your 10:00 appointment.
Yes. Miss Swann, of course.
- I hope I wasn't interrupting. - No, no, not at all.
I'll show you to my office. Miss Mills, would you hold all my calls, please?
Come with me.
And, we'll need some coffee. Some coffee.
You creative types are so impressive to me.
Thank you. Then again, when it comes to crunching numbers...
- I am all thumbs. - Well, fear not.
Enter Elliot Sherman, CPA!
Elliot, Daddy said you were nice. He didn't say you were funny, too.
So Daddy tells me you were a Harvard boy.
Harvard Business. I did my undergraduate studies at Dartmouth.
- I went to Dartmouth. - You didn't.
- I did. - What a coincidence.
Next thing I know you'll be telling me you jog for exercise.
- I actually speed walk. - You speed walk and I jog.
- That is a serious coincidence. - Yes.
- Sort of. - Yeah.
Darn it. Elliot, I have a 10:30 power breakfast with the features editor at Better Homes.
We haven't even started talking about my forms.
Oh, well that's too bad.
Perhaps you would be willing to continue...
the discussion of my forms later this evening?
- Say, over dinner? - Yes. That sounds good.
Perfect. I'll have my assistant's intern's assistant's intern...
book a reservation and then e-mail you to confirm.
Perfect.
It seemed hard to believe that Caroline Gwendolyn Swann...
would actually be interested in me, Elliot Wilbur Sherman.
Elliot Sherman.
Who knew?
Then again, we Baxters do move in mysterious ways.
It was the happiest time of my life.
Work was going gangbusters.
I had just landed the big Gildon's Cough Drop account.
I'd found my dream home, the top floor of a Brooklyn brownstone.
And I rose every morning with the sun.
I was in the best physical and mental shape of my life.
I exercised rigorously with my best friend and next door neighbor, Ed.
Elliot, the feeling one gets from the crisp, cold jet stream of air...
rushing across one's face...
as he walks down the street at speeds in excess...
of two, three, or even four miles per hour.
Caroline and I began courting exclusively.
Our compatibility rating was off the chart.
The relationship was spontaneous and impulsive.
I showed her my beloved Brooklyn.
Settled by the Dutch in the 1640s...
now home to such modern marvels as the stoop.
We were desperately in love, she and I.
Young Turks drawn together by an undefinable force of animal magnetism.
- Good night. - Good night.
The fruit was ripe for the plucking.
I asked her to marry me and she agreed.
A few of my colleagues from the office even got together and threw me a little shindig.
There's a little rumor going around the office that you've upgraded your Palm Pilot.
Is it true?
Guilty as charged, Bob.
Guilty as charged.
Everything was perfect until one week ago...
when we visited Caroline's hometown in Connecticut.
That's when Hurricane Bradley blew in off the coast.
A toast...
to Caroline and Elliot on their pending nuptials.
By this time next week, Elliot, I will be proud to call you "son. "
God, I'm getting all choked up here.
- Sweetie. - Daddy.
Anyway, cheers to Caroline and Elliot.
Cheers.
By the way, this fine crystal we're drinking the bubbly out of...
was made possible by a refund...
Elliot got me last year for Christmas.
He said, "Alan, stop risking your money...
"and start frisking your money. "
Elliot.
It's a lot less fun for me but it sure does pay off.
Well, Alan, it's like I always say:
"Compromise is the key to success. "
Here, here!
So, Elliot, tell us. Where are you two going on your honeymoon?
- Have you decided yet? - Yes, we have.
Yellowstone National Park...
for one whole week of camping, lake fishing, and guided tours.
I wanted to go to Majorca for the beautiful beaches, fine dining and nightlife.
- Elliot and I have never been dancing. - Oh, that's too bad.
I have two left feet.
No, you don't.
I have webbed feet.
So it's Yellowstone.
- Watch out for bears, you two. - Yes, good advice.
I hear bears can smell menstrual blood from a mile away.
So, Caroline...
what's this thing you all are doing after dinner?
Some of my high school friends...
are throwing us a little shindig at Andy's Tavern.
Most of them have never met Elliot before.
- Oh, that should be fun. - Yeah.
Come to think of it, I haven't seen many of them in years, either.
I need to go upstairs and primp.
- Girls will be girls. - I guess that means we're finished eating.
It's like I always say, communication is the key to a great relationship.
And if you've got something to say, just say it.
Caroline! I need to talk to you!
I need to talk to you, Caroline!
What has gotten into you, Elliot?
Caroline, I saw photographs of you and your high school sweetheart Bradley.
Potsdamer Platz.
Here's another one. My family loves to have their picture taken...
in front of famous street signs.
- Here we are in front of Fleet Street. - Right.
Here we are in front of the Champs Elysees.
Now, are these photographs from that big trip you all took to Europe back in 1987?
- Exactly. - It sounded like quite an adventure.
Caroline's told me all about the Russian couple...
you befriended in Moscow.
Olaf and Mirabelle.
- She told you about them? - Oh, yes.
Caroline and I share everything. We have no secrets.
- Isn't that wonderful? - Yes.
- And this... - And this must be your grandparents'...
summer home in Virginia Beach.
Caroline's told me many a story...
about Nana's barn parties.
And Noonoo's all night ping pong tournaments.
- I must say, it sounds like so much fun. - Oh, so, so much fun.
And this must be...
This must be...
Who's this?
It's Caroline and Bradley.
Caroline and who?
You don't know about Bradley?
Even I know about Bradley.
They were practically inseparable all through high school.
He was the love of her life.
I mean, besides you, of course.
- That's what this is about? - I thought we had no secrets, honey.
- We don't. That was fifteen years ago. - Just tell me. I need to know.
- Are you still in love with him? - No!
Bradley and I have completely lost touch.
Elliot, I never think of him. Ever. He lives in Lillehammer.
- Really? - Yes.
It would take an act of God for us to ever cross paths again.
- Caroline? - Bradley?
- What are you doing... - What are you doing...
- I'm here on business. - I'm getting married.
Hey, hon.
Sonya, this is Caroline. Caroline, Sonya. This is my new girlfriend.
- Hi. - Bradley's told me so much about you.
- You all right? - I must be allergic to something in here.
Elliot. This is my fiance Bradley.
Shoot, I mean...
Bradley, this is my fiance Elliot.
Elliot, nice to meet you. You must be a special, special guy.
- God, it's good to see you. - You, too.
As I commuted to work the next day, I decided to focus on the positive.
I've got a good job, great health, and a fiancee who likes me.
John, Juan, Jan, Jonah.
Mr. Sherman?
Cecil. Mills.
- The temp. - Yes. You remembered.
What are you doing here?
I'm temping for a dentist on the 7th floor.
Oh, yeah. Jim Dudley. Good guy.
- Here, let me help you up. - Thank you.
- You're stepping on my toe. - Sorry.
So Miss Mills, how have you been?
- It's been at least a year. - Good. I've been good.
Good.
I finally figured out how the subways work. I can go uptown, downtown, cross-town.
That's great.
Plus I got my own apartment in Washington Heights.
Sometimes I miss the sky, but I love the crazy people.
- How about you? How have you been? - Me?
I'm good. Very good. Nothing much to report.
My fiancee is leaving me for another man.
Oh, no. What happened?
It's a long story, Miss Mills. I don't want to waste your time.
Please, I don't mind.
Okay. Well, it all started 15 years ago at my senior prom.
See, there was this girl.
It was the last dance of the night.
- Kimberly, would you... - Yes?
like some more soda?
Okay. Sure.
So, while I was mixing drinks, Max Webster, who was incredibly popular...
barges through the doors and sweeps my date off her feet.
Kimberly.
- Max, what are you doing here? - I realized something.
I realized that being cool...
isn't about what kind of a spliff you can roll at a party...
or how good I look tick-tacking on my skateboard.
Being cool is about who you are. And I know you broke your leg.
But what I really want to know is...
will you dance with me?
Yes, Max. I would love to dance with you.
Max and Kimberly lived happily ever after.
But then, I went to college and gave love another shot.
- Are you cold, Serena? - A little.
I'll go to the car and fetch your coat.
But the car is so far away.
Well, I'd give you my coat but it's way too big for you.
I don't mind if it's too big.
And I don't mind going to get the coat.
Give it up for the captain of the lacrosse team, Tanner Bates!
I was gonna come up here and talk about how tough the Big Green are...
but I've realized that I'm not quite as tough as I think am.
- You see there's this girl. - No!
And on Saturday afternoon she's trying to win a scholarship to Julliard.
So, I encourage all of you to skip the lacrosse game with me...
and come out to the recital hall and root her on!
- Oh, Tanner! - Serena.
Serena, I realized that if winning a big game means losing you...
- then I don't want to play the game. - God, Tanner, that's beautiful.
You look cold. Here, take my sweater.
He skipped the lacrosse game to watch her Julliard tryout?
Yeah. They lived happily ever after, too.
So after that, I went to business school.
And fell for Camryn.
She also had an ex-boyfriend...
Hunter.
He had a dog with him.
- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.
Which brings us to this morning at Caroline's parents' house.
Caroline!
Elliot, are you all right?
I had this terrible dream last night...
that Bradley was at the bar.
- He was at the bar, honey. - He was?
My God, it wasn't a dream.
Honey, just hear me out, okay? I've really been thinking about this.
We should get married right away.
Tonight, tomorrow at the latest. You know, we could elope.
- I've always wanted to go to Las Vegas. - No! Elliot, stop it!
You're scaring me.
Now, Elliot, I'm bringing the new wedding planner by the apartment tomorrow.
He's really bailing us out last minute.
I mean, Jacob was supposed to be the best wedding planner in the city.
We profiled him in last year's winter double issue.
And then he just disappeared. How's that for loyalty?
Anyway, this new planner comes highly recommended.
He gave us a questionnaire we're supposed to fill out.
I'm putting it in your briefcase.
Please fill it out, Elliot. It's really important to me.
He's coming by at 9:00 tomorrow. So no sleeping in, silly face.
God, he's good.
My gosh, it's Bradley.
Still leaving your key under the mat.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
So Bradley, what brings you by?
Well, I was hoping I could get a lift into the Big Apple.
I've got some obligations to attend to.
Obligations? What sort of obligations? What's your line of work anyway, Brad?
- Geodes. - Geodes?
Yeah.
It's like a hollow rock lined with crystals.
- And you sell them? - No. My job is to discover how they form.
I'm a scientist.
- That's noble. - Noble? God, no.
Noble nothing. I made millions.
Anyway, the reason I need to get into the city is when I'm in town I got a gig...
at an old folks' home out at Ditmas Park.
I bring my geodes and let them pass them around.
- That's wonderful, Bradley. - Yeah, it's nice.
You know, old people aren't really revered in this culture the way they should be.
Since my mom died I've just enjoyed hanging around with the elderly.
So much wisdom there.
Anyway...
What about you, Eli? What do you do?
Elliot works for the second best tax accounting firm in the city.
That's where he's headed this morning.
Yes, indeed. I have a deadline to attend to.
An accountant. God, I could use you. Actually, I could use seven of you.
Anyway, how about that ride?
Well, I'm staying another night with my folks...
but Elliot's going into the city. He can drive you. Elbow?
Okay. Yes. Sure.
I'll just go out into the hallway...
put my driving cap on and then we can head off.
Great.
You look great, carrot.
- How about this weather, huh? - Yeah.
You remember that blizzard?
- Sophomore year. - Yeah.
We got snowed in.
It was so cold.
- I remember getting naked to keep warm. - Yeah.
- And I slipped you my big, fat- - Hey! Let's...
get that load on the road, shall we, champs?
Bradley.
- And Caroline, I'll call you later, honey. - All right.
Elliot, has this ever happened to you?
What's that, Bradley?
You're living your life, chugging along, and then suddenly something...
unexpected happens. Heartbeat. Your whole world changes.
Like what would be an example of one of those unexpected things?
Well, I guess like...
seeing Caroline after so many years would be a good example.
What's... Give me another example.
See, that's kind of the example that comes to mind right now.
Okay.
It's, like, sometimes destiny calls...
you either answer the call or you hang up the phone. You know what I'm saying?
- I hope not. - Unexpected things happen, Elliot.
- When they do you need to make a decision. - Do you, though?
The question is: are you going to act? Or are you just gonna sit there...
and let possibly the biggest decision of your life just pass you by?
- You just sit there. You need the rest. - No.
- You act. Am I right? You risk everything. - Why?
- Why do you do that? - Because you're a great guy...
and you have nothing to lose.
Thank you.
God, it feels so good to get this stuff...
off my chest, you know.
Thank you, Elliot. You really helped me. I don't have...
You know, I don't have a lot of guy friends that I can talk to about this stuff.
You're welcome.
It's like I'm...
It's like I'm too sensitive, you know?
It's like I'm missing a layer of skin or something. You know?
It's like I let too much in.
So Bradley got out of my car. He said, "Thanks for the lift, Ell train"...
and that was that.
And all this makes you think that you're a Baxter?
Yeah. Silly, right?
Personally, I don't believe in Baxters.
Although did you and your prom date dance at all that night?
No. She was on crutches.
What?
This is my floor. Mr. Sherman, I've got to go.
What were you going to say? Dr. Dudley hates it when we're tardy.
Please, what were you going to say? I'd really like to know, Miss Mills.
Mr. Sherman...
I'll be at this address tonight if you feel like finishing this conversation.
Wait! What is this place?
So, Elliot, let me get this straight.
You met some temp in an elevator. She starts to say something, doesn't say it.
And now you want to go out in the middle of the night to find her...
so she can, what?
So she can finish her sentence?
Elliot, you've got my knickers all up in a pinch here.
I don't know, Ed.
I don't know. I feel like maybe she could help me or cure me.
- Will you talk to him, Stella? - Maybe your Feng Shui is off.
Maybe.
You know, she's got a friend who could do your chart.
No, it's a wheel.
Ed, it's not a chart. It's a wheel.
- I'm sorry. - It's okay.
Here, Elliot, have some more wine.
This is an Acorn Creek pinot noir 2002.
Go on.
Notice how the rich cherry and raspberry fruit dominate the nose.
It's bold...
with a sweetly edged meaty complexity.
Stella's taking a wine-tasting class at the YMCA.
"W," Ed. The YWCA.
Look, you want help? Go see a doctor.
You want trouble, you go see this girl. Am I right, Stella?
No. I think it sounds interesting.
Go with your gut, Elliot. That's what you should do.
Excuse me.
Here's what I think you should do...
Can you please turn that down?
How's this?
God, I love that woman.
Here's what I think you should do. I think you should take that address...
I think you should rip it up, I think you should throw it away...
and I think you should forget this whole thing ever happened. That's what I think.
- Maybe you're right. - I know I'm right.
Elliot, all you need is a good night's sleep.
Yeah. What was I thinking?
That's what friends are for. Come on, give your Uncle Ed a hug.
Come on, give Uncle Ed a hug. Let's go. Chop chop.
- You're hurting me, Ed. - Go get some shuteye.
Good night, Elliot.
- Ed? - Yeah, baby?
In the dictionary the word irrational is defined as:
"Affected by loss of usual or normal mental clarity.
"Incoherent, as from shock. "
This is crazy. This is crazy.
I thought she sang like a beautiful bird.
Like a purple sandpiper, or a rose-breasted grosbeak.
Cecil Mills everybody. Cecil Mills!
Guys, I think I hear the turkey phone.
That means we only have one more act and I'm gonna go get her right now...
Mr. Sherman. You made it.
Yes. I was in the neighborhood so I figured I'd pop my head in the door.
I'm happy you came.
- So, you're a singer? - Yeah.
That was terrible. I'm really sorry you had to see that.
The sound system here is unbearable. Really I could hardly hear myself.
And I usually have a guitar player but he's in the hospital.
He's very old.
He's fine and everything. I went to go visit him, but you know...
Normally, I'm just better. I'm not saying I'm very good, but I usually am better than...
- You say something. - I thought you were really great.
Really? Thanks.
My boyfriend thinks I'm wasting my time.
- Oh, you have a boyfriend? - Yeah. Dan. He's nice.
He couldn't make it.
- Do you wanna sit down? - Yeah.
Okay.
So, Miss Mills, I should tell you that I disagree with your boyfriend.
I don't think you're wasting your time.
I appreciate that.
All right guys, guess who was on the turkey phone?
I don't know. An interpretative dancer?
That's right, we have an interpretative dancer here tonight to end the show, guys.
Put your hands together. Put your hands together for Exar.
Hi, can I get a beer? Whatever's on tap and cheap.
Hi. I'll have a Harvey Wallbanger.
No actually, make that a white wine spritzer. Thanks.
It's almost spring.
So, Miss Mills, tell me about your singing.
It's good. I mean, it's good. You know it's...
What?
- It's the stage fright. - Really?
- What, you didn't notice? - No.
Really?
Ever since I started singing my own material in front of people...
I feel like I've developed a problem with stage fright.
I feel like I'm naked...
and shaking and underwater.
What about you?
Did you always know that you wanted to be an accountant?
Sort of. I always knew that I wanted steady employment.
It's also got very good benefits. Plus I get a paid vacation.
Plus I like numbers. So I feel like I'm helping people. Gracias.
Guys, that's the end of the show.
But listen, it only gets started 'cause we have a party!
We have a party right here, right now! So everybody stick around!
- Let's start the music! - What do you say, Mr. Sherman?
I think I'm okay.
I should probably get going.
No. It could be fun. When was the last time that you were at a real party?
Well, we have backwards jeans day at my office...
which is fun because we get to wear our jeans on backwards.
What about if you just finish this drink...
and if you're not having fun you can leave, I promise.
Okay.
I'm allergic to peanuts and lint and cereal...
and paint, magic markers...
sand mats, yogurt...
Because I met this girl...
who got a job whistling a jingle for a commercial...
and she made tons of money. She does the...
So I was thinking that I could sign up for a class at HG Studios...
because it's a real craft, whistling.
Cecil, I have to ask you a question!
What were you going to say to me in the elevator?
It's too loud in here!
Come on.
Where are we going?
- Better? - Much.
- Elliot? - Yes.
I think this alcohol is going to my head.
So, I would just like to apologize in advance...
for anything that I may say or do from this point forward.
Okay.
- I like your tie. - Thank you.
It was a gift from my mother...
for Christmas.
It's from the Fricke, from the Dutch Masters Collection.
- I like it. - Thank you.
Miss Mills, you were going to tell me what you were going to say in the elevator.
Okay.
Here's what I was going to say.
- Elliot, I have a theory. - Yes?
You were supposed to ask her to dance.
- What are you talking about? - At your prom.
You were supposed to ask her to dance.
It was the last song of the night. All the other kids were dancing.
You should have asked her to dance.
- But she was on crutches. - But it was a slow song, Elliot.
- She seemed happy to me. - She was content, not happy.
See, Elliot, ultimately the problem is that you're not willing to take risks.
You've got to be willing to take risks.
You're right.
I've got to take more risks.
It's so obvious but I couldn't see it.
My God.
What?
This is the song.
This is the song they were playing at my prom.
Ask her to dance, Elliot.
Cecil...
would you...
Other people need to use the bathroom.
- I should probably go. - I should go home.
Yeah. We should both go.
Okay.
I hope I was able to help you with your problem.
Oh yes, definitely. Very much so.
Ask her to dance. Very good advice.
Listen...
here's my card.
If ever I can repay the favor just...
call anytime. Really.
I'm going to write my home phone number on it.
Call me anytime if you need anything.
- Okay. - Good night.
I'll be off then.
You've reached Elliot Sherman. Please leave a message. Thank you.
Elliot, it's Cecil. Can you please pick up the phone?
Cecil?
- You said I could call you anytime? - What happened?
It's just really hard, you know.
I mean, normally, Dan and I don't fight. We really don't.
But I just wish that he would come to hear me sing, you know.
It would just be nice to look out into the audience and see a familiar face...
but he says that my stage fright makes him uncomfortable.
I think I'm very supportive of him.
He wants to analyze systems, which I think is fantastic.
And you know what he thinks I'd be good at? Sales.
Doesn't he understand I played Annie in my high school production of Annie?
Not one, not two, but three times in a row.
Miss Mills, we sort of have to keep it down 'cause of the neighbors.
- I'm sorry. - It's okay.
Here let me help you with those.
I got it. It's okay. I got it.
Do you have something that I could sleep in maybe, like a sweatshirt?
Sometimes it sticks. Thank you.
- I have pajamas. - Yeah. Pajamas would be great.
Pajamas.
Do you play the piano?
I dabble.
Here, take your pick.
- I'll pick these. They look like the tape. - Yeah. Good choice.
Thanks.
Okay.
This really is a great apartment.
I like it. It's very practical.
Thank you.
- Can I put these on in there? - Yeah. Go ahead.
Boy, I haven't been this tipsy in a long time.
And I...
I haven't been up this late since...
business school, final exams, probably.
These are great.
- They suit you perfectly. - Thank you.
- Okay. See you in the morning, Cecil. - See you in the morning.
- Good night, Cecil. - Good night, Elliot.
Okay, we're here. This is it.
Ell?
It's like a railroad apartment. Choo choo.
- Hi, honey. - There you are.
Elliot, hi. This is Benson the wedding planner.
Benson Hedges, nice to meet you.
Very nice to meet you, too, Benson...
Hedges.
Come, sit down. Sit down.
What's up with the cushions?
This is what my shlong free chart says I should do.
- What did you say? - Feng Shui.
Yeah. What he said.
Feng Shui. I didn't know you were into that, Elliot.
Can I get us all something to drink? Coffee? Tea? Milk? Apple juice?
- I'll have tea. - I would love an apple juice.
Great.
I love the walls. Very mustard. Dijon.
Yeah, I don't think we're gonna live here after we get married.
Moving into my place.
Three cups of ice cold water.
Caroline. Mr. Hedges.
So, Elliot, this is Benson's wedding booklet.
It is full of possibilities.
Like I always said, Mr. Sherman, "variety is the spice of life. "
Ching ching.
I am so sorry, Mr. Sherman.
- Oh, my. - Wait.
The lacy pink women's panties. I can explain that.
Well, they say Brooklyn, New York, but I say Brooklyn, Wisconsin.
It's out in the middle of nowhere here.
Elliot! Wake up!
Elliot, wake up. Your fiancee is outside your apartment with some guy.
No! The wedding planner!
I completely forgot!
Okay, kisses. Goodbye. You hang up first.
No! Cecil.
You have to hide that somewhere.
Where?
I left the keys in the car.
- It should be right- - Okay...
you know what? Hold this for a second. Hands free.
I know. Here. Under the pillow. Right here.
Perfect.
Hello, Brooklyn.
Could you go back to my bedroom and get me a suit and a tie?
I got to go to the bathroom.
- I swear... - Here she comes.
I would lose my head if it weren't screwed on.
Okay. Three story walkup. I know.
I don't know why anyone lives without a doorman.
Feel the burn.
- Here! - Thank you.
- You're welcome. - You're welcome.
Elliot?
You have to hide. She can't know you're here.
- Where? - Here!
- No! Where should I hide? - Under the bed!
Did you hear that?
- Elliot? - Just a sec, hon.
Honey, are you in the bathroom?
- Oh, my. - What?
My God!
Elliot, did you fill out your questionnaire?
My questionnaire?
Benson's wedding questionnaire. I put it in your briefcase yesterday.
That questionnaire. Yes. Of course.
- Where is the questionnaire? - It's in my briefcase.
I filled it out after work...
and I put it in my briefcase.
See, look here's my questionnaire, honey, all filled out.
Okay, then.
Now, let's start with the color scheme.
The color scheme is the foundation of the entire wedding.
You go first, Elliot. I wanna see if we put down the same thing for this.
I put down...
- yellow and black. - Like a bumblebee?
Oh! Buzz buzz.
Or not.
Those were just options. I was really curious to know what you put down.
Well, my colors were Tuscan white bean and steamed asparagus.
But, really, Elliot, I'm shocked.
- Yellow and black? - Okay.
You know what? Let's talk about what kind of music you want at the reception.
Okay, music.
Yes, that's Elliot's forte. So I defer 100 percent to him on this.
- Funk. - Are you insane, Elliot?
Or jazz. Or swing. Or rock. Or, I don't know.
It was a toss up for me between jazz and rock and swing and funk.
You know what? Let's forget about the music.
Who's hungry? I'm hungry. Let's talk about food?
- That's a great idea. - Fine.
Food.
Okay.
Well, Elliot, I know we put down the same thing for this one.
So, here we go.
One...
two, shout it out...
three!
- Baja cuisine! - French food.
- What did you say? - French food is a great idea, Caroline.
- Did you say Baja cuisine? - Is that what I said?
- What, may I ask, is Baja cuisine? - Don't answer that.
- It's beer-battered fish. - Beer-battered fish.
- I hate you! - Okay.
Let's do this later, outside of Brooklyn.
No, wait. Mr. Hedges. Mr. Hedges, please.
Baja cuisine?
- At my wedding? - Benson Hedges, don't leave me with her.
I'm not a marriage counselor, Mr. Sherman.
I am a marriage maker. Good day to you.
The questionnaire was blank, Elliot! It was blank!
I can explain that.
- How could you do this to me? - Wait!
Sugar? Sweetie, are you there?
Okay, now I have no idea where I am.
Okay, taxi!
Darling.
Caroline, not in the bedroom! Not in the bedroom!
- Oh, God! - Oh, God is right, Elliot!
You just completely lied to me! I mean...
- I can explain that! - You can't explain this, Elliot!
You knew how important that questionnaire was...
and you clearly didn't even bother to look at it!
Suck it in! Up!
Suck it up?
Like this is somehow my fault? Like I'm being unreasonable here?
Ouch!
I hope this hurts, Elliot!
Because you have no idea how badly this is hurting me!
I mean, we are getting married and you don't even seem...
to care about the wedding anymore!
Elliot...
Enough!
Elliot...
ever since we drove to my parents' house for dinner...
you have been acting like a maniac!
You're possessive. You're paranoid. You're forgetful.
What happened to you?
Elliot, I am seeing a side of you that I really don't like.
Don't bother walking me out!
What did you say?
- You're not even gonna fight for me? - Wait, Caroline!
Caroline, wait.
Caroline, please don't go!
Elliot...
- I am calling off the wedding. - You're what?
I hate saying this but I don't think we're meant to be together.
It's over.
Elliot...
- I'm so sorry that this is happening. - Cecil...
I think I just need to be alone right now.
Okay. I understand.
I'm so sorry.
Darling, please call me as soon as you get this.
My God! Elliot!
I came as soon as I heard.
And I brought along some cookies.
What happened? Just tell me everything.
She called off the wedding. That's what happened.
- Who's that girl? - That's Stella's friend, Nadine.
- Does she have a boyfriend? - I don't think so.
Listen, Elliot, when's the next time you and Caroline are supposed to get together?
Tonight. My parents are having dinner for the two families.
Well, there you go!
That's, like, 10 hours from now. That gives her time...
to get a little space, a little perspective, a little dose of reality.
I don't think she's even gonna be there, Ed. I mean, she said it was over.
She'll be there. Quote me on that.
Elliot, dear, Caroline was a nice girl.
And we would've loved for it to work out, but...
Come to think of it, we've liked all your girlfriends.
But you know what they say?
No, Mom, tell me, what do they say?
Oh, well...
there's other fish in the sea.
That's right, kiddo.
I heard that Jim and Nancy Wasserman's girl, Tina...
is on the slab again.
She's a fresh catch!
So, Elliot...
- we're really sorry about what happened. - Yeah, sorry.
Sorry for what? I screwed up.
I got what I deserved.
We just thought you were our savior, you know.
- But, life goes on? - It does.
Sometimes I think if I'd never met Cecil Mills none of this ever would have happened.
- That's a big if. - I don't know about that.
Excuse me, did you say Cecil Mills?
That's my girlfriend.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Who are you? - I'm Elliot Sherman.
Nothing happened. I swear.
Wait a minute! You're the Baxter!
Cecil told me all about you. It's nice to meet you!
- She did? - Yeah. Cec and I share everything.
We have no secrets.
Thank you so much for letting her crash at your place the other night.
We had a bit of a lovers' spat.
- You know how that is, right? - Right.
So what are you doing here?
Well, you know me...
guvnor, come on in for a bit of the old lagers and...
I'm just meeting a friend of mine from college.
- What about you? - Dan.
Tallyho. There she is.
- Sorry I'm late. - It's so weird.
I was just talking about you.
- How long has it been since I've seen you? - Ages!
Yeah. At least.
- Hey. - Hey, sweets!
- I'm official valet. - Bradley, this is Dan.
- Nice to meet you. - Yeah, you, too.
- College. - Yeah.
Elliot?
Get out of Dodge, Eeyore! What are you doing here? I know this guy.
I'm just meeting up with some friends.
- Elliot is friends with my little lady. - No way. Where's Caroline?
She-
Why don't we grab some real estate? Maybe pull up a table?
- No, we couldn't possibly- - Yeah! Definitely!
Yes, it's on.
Pull up some real estate.
"Very clever, Mr. Bond. "
James Bond.
Okay, I got one.
I'm an electric man and-
I've got to know this.
All you people are working overtime
Wait till they get a load of me.
But...
- But... - Don't brag yet.
The policy is not like that in China.
- I think it's against the rules. - I don't think so.
I want to make a toast to my friend.
To Elliot and the bride-to-be.
No. She left him.
Just this morning. Walked out the door.
Is that true, Elliot?
Jesus.
Man, I'm sorry about...
- That's awful. - Can you not be so...
Hang in here, bro.
"Sweet dove, sweet dove Never to return again"
Keats.
That is...
so beautiful, Bradley, the way you said that.
I need to get out of here. I need some fresh air. I'm sorry.
Elliot, don't.
- It's your go. - Yeah.
"I get no respect at all. "
What's the point, anyway?
I hate my life.
I just want to die.
Goodbye, cruel world.
Elliot! Elliot, wait!
Elliot!
Man!
Oh, boy.
- What are you doing here, Louis? - I was looking for you.
Caroline sent me. She's worried.
- Caroline worried? - Yeah.
She's staying with us tonight. She didn't want to be alone.
You know, you really scared the crap out of me, man.
So, what'd you do? You get the... You went for the 40?
Yeah, don't get me started on my college days.
Put away one of these myself.
Man.
Elliot, I know what you're going through. I really do.
Being married to a Swann girl is no easy task.
I'm the one who knows. I'm the only other one who knows...
'cause I'm married to the only other Swann girl, Kate.
I mean...
let me tell you...
I remember what it was like when Kate and I were first getting married.
We drove up to this dog breeder and I don't even like dogs.
And I went anyway. And what happens?
Of course, the dog bites me, in the leg and the face.
It's like, God damn it, girl. What are you trying to do to me?
I mean, look, Kate and I, we've been through our ups and downs.
I'm not talking about our trip to Cedar Point...
when we went on the roller coaster. But I'm kidding about that.
It's like, Johnny Carson, you know?
But one time we go to this banana factory.
And I'm, like, sure, I'll go with her.
And then we get there and, of course, no, no bananas.
- Bananas aren't even manufactured- - Louis!
What are you talking about?
She left me, okay! It's over!
I blew it!
Maybe not.
She's willing to consider a reconciliation, Elliot.
- She is? - But you can't screw it up.
You've got to take her out to a nice dinner. Sweep her off her feet.
Go to the park. Swimming maybe.
Scrabble. Horseback riding.
Or skinny-dipping. A rondelet.
You could take her to a rondelet or an opera.
Whatever she likes, you got to do it.
You can do it, Elliot. You can do this.
- Okay? - Okay.
Okay.
I have faith in you, man.
You're my brother, my brother-in-law, to-be...
in a few weeks. Or whenever it is.
You're gonna be fine.
- Hell of a view, huh? - Yeah.
So that's exactly what I did.
I went to Caroline's apartment to sweep her off her feet.
Elliot.
- It's good to see you. - It's good to see you, too, Caroline.
- These are for you. - Flowers. Elliot, how sweet.
- And these. - And candies.
Come in.
Elliot, there's something really important I need to discuss with you.
Caroline, I want to apologize for what happened yesterday.
- I was totally- - Bradley's here.
What?
Hey, buddy.
What's he doing here?
I know this isn't what we had planned, and I'm really sorry.
- But he just broke up with his girlfriend. - Sonya?
He seemed so stranded.
I invited him out to dinner. I didn't know what else to do.
- Bradley, you broke up with your girlfriend? - Yeah.
Just wasn't our destiny to be together.
- But she seemed so nice. - Yeah.
Look, Elliot, I know this isn't the best time for me to be here right now.
But I didn't want to be alone.
What do you say, Ell? Can he tag along?
- Yeah, sure. - Great.
Glad that's settled. I'll just put these in some water.
These flowers are bulky, Elliot.
They're quite muscular, really.
Did you buy them at the gym?
No. I got them at-
I must be allergic.
You know what? I'm just gonna take them to work with me.
They'd be perfect for this dank little storage room...
we have in the basement where we keep the paper clips and the toaster oven.
What's that flower there? Is it new?
Bradley gave it to me.
- He... You did? - Yeah, it's a bluebonnet.
I found it fighting its way through a little slab of city sidewalk.
It goes with Caroline's eyes.
- Very thoughtful of you, Bradley. - Yeah.
And these candies we can just take with us.
I'll give them to a homeless man since I'm not eating chocolate.
Since when do you not eat chocolate, Caroline?
- I'm watching my weight. - I'm watching it, too.
You!
Well, I made us a reservation for two at Chez Pierre.
I should probably call ahead and see about them adding another person.
If you two will excuse me.
Chez Pierre is a little outdated.
Elliot. He's not up on the trends.
- You feeling better? - Yeah, better now.
So I spoke to the maitre d' over at Chez Pierre...
and he informed me, unfortunately, they could not find any extra chairs.
They looked everywhere. Bradley, I'm sorry.
Elliot, I hope you don't think we're going to allow Bradley to dine alone?
What do you want me to do, Caroline?
They looked everywhere and couldn't find any extra-
Hey, I have an idea. I know a place nearby.
It's a great little burger joint. Totally off the map, never crowded.
And it's a real gem if you ask me.
- That sounds perfect. - Great.
If that's okay with Elliot? What say you, Ell?
What say I?
If it's the same little burger joint off the map that I'm thinking of...
that's quite a gem, then I feel like it's a very good choice.
- Great! - All right!
I'll lead the way.
I'll get the door for you, honey.
Thanks, Bradley. Grab my jacket.
- There she is. - Bradley.
- It's been a long time. - Yeah.
Delores, Caroline. Caroline, Delores.
- Hi. - Hello. Pleased to meet you.
- Hi, Delores. - What are you doing here?
Wow.
This place is perfect, Bradley.
Magical, cheap.
Elliot, I can't believe you never told me about this place.
I'm sorry, hon. I eat here all the time.
I just didn't think you'd like it.
- Know what you'd like to order? - Yeah, I'm gonna have-
Actually, Delores, I'd like to take a look at the menu first.
If you'll recall from the other times you've eaten here...
we've got no menu.
You've got a choice of hamburger, cheeseburger, fries or coleslaw...
or all four if you're really hungry.
Okay, good. I'll just take a second to think it over. Why don't you guys order?
Cheeseburger, Delores. Extra, extra rare.
That a boy, Bradley.
Oh, what the hell, I'll have the same.
And bring some office supplies, because I might as well just tape it on.
Wait, Caroline, I thought you were watching your weight.
Honey, don't be such a stickler for details.
So that's two cheeseburgers extra rare. Do we have enough for a quorum?
No, actually, Delores, I'm gonna have just the hamburger.
No cheese because I'm lactose intolerant.
And I'll get it cooked well done.
- Crispy, in fact. - Okay.
And can I get you all something to drink?
- Yes, I'm gonna have- - I'll order the drinks.
- If that's okay with you, Brad? - Sure.
Delores, we will have a bottle of your very finest red wine.
An Acorn Creek pinot noir 2002 would be preferable.
Caroline, when she brings the wine, notice the beefy, meat...
complexion and the fruit.
So, anyway, we'll have that.
Or if you don't mind, sir...
perhaps you'll settle for our list of beers...
as we are an ale house and it's all we've got.
Yes. That sounds good.
Bradley, perhaps you'd like to choose one of the beers as I'm not...
as particularly well-educated in that type of...
While you're deciding on what to drink, I'll just go put in your food order.
You guys, I'm gonna go use the men's room.
Maybe he confused this place with someplace else.
Hi, it's Cecil Mills. Leave a message. Bye.
Hi, Cecil, it's me, Elliot Sherman.
Probably wondering why I'm calling you.
Well, I'm just calling to say hi.
Just wanted to check in.
I'm calling you right now from a restaurant.
I was supposed to be out on a big romantic date.
My fiancee, Caroline, she decided to bring Bradley with us.
As you can imagine, I'm not very happy about that.
I think it's fair to say my marriage is officially off.
Why am I telling you this?
You're probably out with Dan. Anyway, Dan's a great guy.
Yeah, so just calling to say hello.
See how you were doing.
Maybe I'll talk to you later.
Okay, bye.
- Cecil? - Elliot.
What are you doing here?
Betty caught the flu and I'm your temp again.
It's funny how things come full circle, isn't it?
I got your message.
I'm so sorry, Elliot. It just sounded awful.
So, I thought that maybe later after work you and I could go to a bar...
and make toasts to how misery loves company.
It got better.
- It did? - Yeah.
My night...
it got better.
What a lovely dinner. Don't you think so, Elliot?
- What should we do next? - Let's go dancing.
There's a great little dance club right around the corner.
- Yes! Elly, can we please? - No!
Caroline, you and I really have to talk.
Elliot, you know how badly I wanna go dancing.
- You are such a killjoy! - That's not true!
Every party needs a pooper.
I may regret saying this, Elliot, but you are so unromantic!
- What? - I said you're unromantic, Elliot!
I'm unromantic?
That is just a very tough pill for me to swallow right now...
because I have been trying my absolute hardest all night long to be romantic!
But nothing, and I mean nothing, is good enough for you, Caroline!
I bought you flowers, they were too bulky!
I got us a reservation at the best restaurant in town, but it was too fancy!
I foolishly ordered wine with the cheeseburgers...
and now I'm the bad guy because I don't want to go dancing!
- Elliot, I'm sorry. - No! No, I'm sorry, Caroline!
I'm sorry that I'm too unromantic! And I'm sorry that I always play it safe!
But the fact of the matter is I'm not Bradley! I'm Elliot!
I'm Elliot Sherman and I'm proud of it!
And the fact of the matter is I'm trying very hard to change...
but, Caroline, I'm not perfect!
I'm not perfect and I don't expect you to be, either!
So all I ask is that you just give me a break!
Just give me a break.
Now...
if you'll both excuse me...
I've changed my mind and I've decided I would now like to go dancing.
- Ell! - Elliot.
- You're dancing, Elliot! - Yeah!
- The bar mitzvah shuffle! Not bad, huh? - Not bad at all.
Caroline, look at me!
- Bradley was a breakdancer. - Cool!
I used to have my own crew, Sergeant Poppers and The Bionic Breakers!
Careful, man.
Elliot, we should have a battle, man.
- That'd be so fun! Let's do it! - No, that's okay.
Come on, Elliot!
- I'll start it off! - All right!
Oh, yeah.
- You go. - It's your turn. Go.
Okay.
Elliot!
- You have so many great moves! - Yeah, I do!
That was fun. I'm gonna go get another drink. You guys want something?
- No, I'm good. - All right.
What are you talking about, man? The battle's not over!
Come on, I'm gonna do a windmill. Difficulty level 6.0.
Clear out, everybody. Clear out.
Ready? Here goes.
That's great!
Elliot!
- My gosh! Are you all right? - What happened?
My God, Elliot, that was so stupid of me.
- Are you all right? - I think so.
I was just trying to have fun.
Bradley, let's just talk tomorrow or something...
so I can get Elliot cleaned up here. Okay?
Yeah.
Except the thing is, I didn't mention this before but...
I'm leaving town tomorrow.
- What? - Yeah.
The team I'm working with found this massive geode in this cave in Malta.
I kind of need to be there.
Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah, it's kind of bad timing, I know, but Mother Nature makes up her own schedule.
Besides, there's nothing really keeping me here anymore, right?
Right.
Anyway, it's probably gonna be my last cave.
I mean, I wanna try something else, try something new. I don't know what.
It may be medicine, it may be soccer. I don't know.
I haven't even got my head around it yet.
Well, it was good seeing you again.
Yeah. Good seeing you, too.
Okay.
Right.
Bye.
- Take care, elbow macaroni. - Bye, Bradley.
I guess you really swept her off her feet, huh? Congratulations, Elliot.
- I guess you're not a Baxter after all. - I guess not.
Well, that makes one of us.
Can I get you a cup of coffee?
No? Okay, well...
I got to go.
- Where you gonna go? - I think I'd like to find Dan.
Why?
Because Dan got a job in Cincinnati, Elliot. And he's leaving on Saturday.
I guess that means that I won't be able to make your wedding.
But that's okay, you're registered, right?
I'll get you a something. I'll get you a waffle maker.
He wanted me to go with him, but I was holding out for some reason.
You don't want Dan.
Well, something is better than nothing, Elliot.
But what about singing, Cecil? What about that?
They have singing in Cincinnati, too.
Good luck with everything.
Which brings us all the way back to the beginning...
or the ending, depending on how you look at it.
But it's just like Cecil said: "It's funny how things come full circle. "
- Here you are, buddy. You made it. - Yeah.
Yeah.
- He looks so handsome. - He does, doesn't he?
I mean, this is what I've always wanted my whole entire life.
This is what I've always wanted.
Now I'm actually doing it.
- It's great, buddy. - So great.
Yeah.
Please be seated.
Good afternoon.
We are gathered here today to join these two people...
in holy matrimony.
Elliot Sherman and Caroline Swann.
If anyone whosoever should object to these two people being married...
please speak now or forever hold your peace.
- Caroline. - Elliot?
Caroline!
Bradley!
I'm going to business school.
Bradley!
I got on a plane and I flew all the way back to Malta.
But then I realized something.
I realized that no matter how exciting my life is...
it's dull if you're not a part of it.
And I realized that it was wrong for me to ask you to be...
who I wanted you to be.
When all along I never wanted you to be...
the person that I wanted you to be but me to be with you.
Us.
Me.
Together.
Caroline, I'm asking you for another chance...
to be the man that I never was before.
One who can provide a safe and secure environment...
where we can settle down.
What do say, Carrie?
Oh, Bradley!
Bradley and Caroline lived happily ever after.
But like I said, this movie isn't about them.
It's about me.
Cecil! Wait!
Cecil!
No.
You're late.
- Cecil. - Elliot.
What are you doing here?
Remember when I said that they had singing in Cincinnati?
I lied.
What's your excuse?
Cecil, I realized that Caroline and I aren't meant to be together.
And I realized that I don't want you to move to Cincinnati.
And I...
know that this might sound a little bit crazy...
but I think I fell in love with you the minute I first saw you.
Cecil?
Cecil Mills?
It's me Jack Mechanic! Remember from semester at sea?
- You! - Take it easy!
Sorry about that. I just...
- By the way I got you something. - Is that what I think it is?
- It's a gromwell. - Thank you.
You're welcome.
So that's the end of my story.
But for every guy out there who's been splashed by a taxi...
dumped by a girl or who's just a little out of step with the world...
Hi.
...there's hope.
This is a song that I wrote.
Imagine you're watching one of those old romantic movies.
That's Cecil, the leading lady.
That's Elliot, the leading man.
Cecil!
And that's me, Dan, the Baxter.
No.
He wasn't a medicine man. He was more like a shaman.
And he asked me back to his house which was a very sort of...
a holy place in the earth.
We traveled many miles and when we got back there and he gave me a...
It was like a paste that you eat.
And you hallucinate all through the night...
and when you awake you're very sort of...
freed or cleansed.